Status

Lately I have been very reflective about my "status" in this world. I tend to live a self fulfilling prophecy and I'm not happy with that. I seem to have more people in my life that desire to see me in a rut, than to succeed. Maybe that's not true. Maybe I'm victimizing myself to over compensate for my own failures. *sigh*

sad

miss my brother...miss being somebody's someone....miss living in Riverside....miss being a stay at home mom....hate being alone....wish I could go back to the days when my kids were babies so I could love on em' more....wish that I could just be HAPPY

blah

Sad today and feeling lonely....

Lionel Todd Ruff Sr.

My eldest brother Todd, departed this life on December 5, 2010 after a 2 year long private battle with Lou Gehrig's Disease. Although there is a hole in my heart, I know now that he's receiving love, affection, and blessings from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. RIP to my amazing big brother.

Lionel Todd Ruff Jr

My eldest brother Todd departed this earth on December 5, 2010 of Lou Gehrig's Disease. He fought a long battled after an initial prognosis of less than 12 mos to live...that was in 2008....there will always be part of me missing....but now I have a guardian angel. RIP my darling big brother!

Bittersweet

Moved to South Carolina. Been separated from my spouse for over 2 1/2 years now. Got saved. Love chuch. living with my cousin for now. The end.

ACHOO!

I think I have pnemonia

I DON'T NEED ANYONE FROM THE RUFF FAMILY

To be stolen from and betrayed by members of your own family continuosly lets me know that I have to terminate the relationship altogether

Broke

Okay, so I have officially been out of work by choice for like 11 mos...now I'm just bored of not having money and living like I'm use to. God has been good and kept all the bills on and the kids fed, but I feel more productive when I clock in and out. I do miss the kids, but I also love the benefit of buying them the little things they ask for. Right now the universal theme is, "mommy doesn't have any money but let's go to the park or The Strip!" This works but need to have more than that in my life. The one person I always thouht I could count on, just left us hanging. Made me a bitter pill, but he doesn't care. The hardest thing to do is watch someone you love, love somebody else.

Pity Party

Mother's Day was nice. Relaxed with my children. Thought I was going to get at least an email from my estranged spouse but I guess that's the breaks. I have had lots of dreams lately that I am beng abandoned. I guess it has caused some resentment and definite sadness in my days and evenings. I recently moved back to Vegas.....still have to go get my things from my old apartment in Riverside. The one thing I really need right now is God to work in my favor....bring me peace, someone that really loves me, loyalty, and a job. He has given me so many blessings thus far....I feel awful asking for more, but I'm so depressed lately. I guess I thought he and I would have a hapilly ever after, and he would be there for me and our kids. The saddest thing in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.

Cutting off the negative energy

Today marks the first day that I cut off certain family members that have nothing positve to add to my or my children's lives. They shall remain nameless, howver let's just say that offenses include: not identifying with our family because they decided to shift races....always commenting on my parenting and treating me with disrespect. I don't desire or need it, so I'm moving out of state and my numbers will change. The End

Recent sadness

It's been a long time since I blogged. Not that there hasn't been anything interesting iin my life. Hmmmmmm, let's see..... moved back to Vegas. Live in a beautiful apartment community. Had a Mother's Day that was peaceful and receieved a card from my BFF and some beautiful wishes from FB friends. My estranged husband didn't email me at all.That hurt, but I expect that because we have been estranged for over 1 year now. Lately I have been having dreams of abandonement and it's caused alot of depression for me. I am looking forward to my renewed life here in Vegas, but I guess I anticipated that I would have a renewed relationship with people that I had falling outs with. So the moral of the story is that I have to brush myself off and keep it pushing because no one is going to attend my pity parties but me : (